Hello everyone. I write this with the intent that anyone and everyone who has experienced what I am about to tell you can know that they are not alone and understand no one ever thinks something like this would happen to them or someone they love, but things happened for reasons beyond our understanding. I also write for myself, because this is something that I know is meant to make me stronger and to remind myself that no matter what, if I can get through this then I can get through anything. And I write this for my family and close friends to know what’s going on and so they can hear it from me.
About three weeks ago my husband and I found out I was pregnant. This was our first pregnancy, after 5 years of a mixture of trying to conceive and not avoiding getting pregnant, it was truly something we had been waiting for. Eager to share the news my husband filmed a short video of himself revealing the positive pregnancy test and doing a little celebratory dance. We shared this video to our immediate family and recorded their reactions, needless to say everyone got emotional and was very excited. Despite all the excitement and good vibes, I was jus holding my breath for our first doctors visit which was the day after we told our family.
When we got to the doctors office my heart was going at 100000 beats per second. I was so nervous, and excited and terrified. When he started the ultra sound i held my breath, looked over the screen and as the doctor moved the little ultrasound wand around I waited for him to give me some sort of response. He just said there was nothing there yet, so I must be very early in my pregnancy. I felt unsatisfied with the response and the visit. They drew some blood and I waited anxiously over the weekend for them to call me back and confirm my pregnancy.
Monday came I receive a call while I was at the dentist and it was the greatest and scariest phone call. He confirmed that I was 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant so it was normal not to see anything in the ultrasound. I felt a little bu of relief but still scared because I knew nothing was 100%. He told me he wouldn’t see me for another two weeks.
These past two weeks have been the longest days of my entire life, I waited impatiently, anxiously and full of excitement and fear.
During the two weeks I had some light spotting, I reassured myself that it was ok and that as long as it wasn’t too much I didn’t need to worry. Regardless I did call my doctor after the third time it happened and he agreed to see me the next day.
My heart was full of hope and excitement that I would finally be able to see my baby on that monitor. I prepared an announcement video to send to my family member after the appointment. While my heart was jumping with joy and hope, my mind was trying it best to keep its cool and be realistic. So I was still holding my breath, deeper each second that went by.
Finally we go to see our baby, how much it’s grown. When we start the ultra sound, everyone in the room felt silent. My heart was beating faster than last time. We see “the sac…..but no baby.” as my doctor said those words, my heart dropped. “I don’t think this ones a good one, its going to be a miscarry.” he said. I really don’t know how to explain what I felt. I tried to keep my composure because I didn’t want to sob in front of the doctor and the nurse. I prayed so much that the lord would give me strength for whatever was to come and at that moment he did. the doctor told us that it was a 95% chance it was a miscarry and that he’s only seen one case in his 12 years where the pregnancy was delayed and the baby appears out of nowhere and they had a baby, but it was one time. My heart sank.
He offered to give me medicine to miscarry faster, I said no that id just wait for it to happen on it own. I left the office, feeling defeated, like I failed. What could I done differently? Will I be able to get pregnant again? Both this the doctor reassured that I had no control over it and that I could definitely do it again. But where does that leave me?
So as I write this, for my own self venting and to let my family and friends and the whole world know, I am just waiting. waiting for the the worst thing that could happen to me right now to happen. I woke up today feeling calm, knowing the lord and my father in heaven have my back. With every bathroom visit being full of anguish and looking expecting to see more and more blood. My last break had more than before, so in a sense its slowly happening.
I don’t know how to explain being pregnant, and knowing that its only going to last for a few more days, and one day I’m going to stop. Stop feeling all those symptoms that I do long to keep because its a reassurance that everything is fine, and as long as they are there, it’s fine.
I know there is a greater power out there that has a plan bigger than what our small minds could ever comprehend. I know that things are meant to shape us to be stronger and better in every way. I know that trials and tribulations aren’t sent without us being prepared to take them head on. Yes, I will cry hysterically for who knows how long. Yes, I will be filled with sorrow and a little bit of anger when I see a pregnant person or someone with their baby. And Yes, I will want to punch someone in the face or burst into tears whenever someone ask me “Why don’t you have kids yet?”
I know I will feel all these things for some time. I know that next time I get pregnant whether its soon or for another couple years, I will be filled with more anxiety than ever, but I will be more prepared.
I trust HIM, I love HIM and I know that this baby, even though I only carried it for a very minuscule time of its existence, it’s mine, forever.
I feel so blessed to have the people who have been so loving and supporting. Starting with my husband who through this short time has surprised me, has shown me that he’s ready to go through whatever obstacles may come. Im grateful for my parents an sisters who love me and show mw their support and faith. Im extra grateful for my best friend who’s words mean more to me than he can ever imagine and has given the perfect set of words that anyone could have given me during this time.
My fellow mothers, I know im not the only one. Ive met lots of moms who lost their first babies. I feel like its something that doesn’t have to be a secret, and it doesnt have to be something we don’t talk about. Ive waited years for this pregnancy, and it breaks my heart that its only lasted this long but im hopeful. I have lots and lots of faith that I’ll be ok. We are fighters, we were built to withstand this and more. Our bodies were chosen to be vulnerable to these kinds of heartaches and pains for a reason, because we’re freaking warriors. We underestimate our own self control and what we can handle, we don’t now until things are thrown at us. Trust that there will never be anything thrown at you that you can’t handle.
My good friend sent me this scripture quote:
“But they that wait upon the lord shall renew their strength: they shall mount up with wings as eagles: they shall run, and not be weary: and shall they walk, and not faint.”
I know the lords timing is perfect, I admit I am lingering a little bit to that 5% chance that it’ll be ok, but im 100% certain that whatever happens is the lords will and I trust him and I am not alone in this. There’s always lessons to be learned and hearts to be softened. I share this with all you guys, so you can know what’s going on in my life and to let you know that I’ll be ok.
I will give an update as soon as I either hear back from the doctor or its clear what the outcome is going to be. I love you all, even the strangers reading this. 🙂
This quote was sent to me yesterday by my BFF:
“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the lights.” -Professor Dumbledore