Back in 2009 I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, otherwise known as PCOS. At the time I was 19 so when I was told I had a hormonal imbalance and if not treated then I could risk becoming infertile It wasn’t that big of a deal. For a long time after having had broken it off with my high school sweet heart and been single for almost two years with no luck of finding “Mr. Right” I had come to the conclusion that I would be single for the rest of my life and marriage was not in my plans. My plan was to get my degree, start a career and become rich and live in an apartment with a bunch of dogs. Kind of like Robin Sherbatsky from How I Met Your Mother. Of course things never pan out the way you expect them to.
Three years later at the age of 22 I was married and ready to take over the world along side my partner in crime. By that time my husband already knew all my deep dark secrets including the fact that I might not be able to give him children any time soon or AT ALL! I told him this before we got married and he of course didn’t care too much for it as children weren’t an essential part of his plan. We both felt the same way but as time went by we both felt like there was something missing in our little team of awesome.
At the two year mark we decided it was time for us to start trying to procreate. We had been visiting my OB-GYN of 5 years and he put me on some fertility mediation and it was the start of the most emotionally devastating roller coaster of my life. Months went by and we were on the same boat. It was a vicious cycle of Medication- ovulation test- verdict then back to medication and so on. Eventually we moved to Northridge, CA and started seeing another doctor. He started me off with the same cycle and that only lasted about two months before I told him I needed something else. I could not take the heart ache of hoping ‘it would work this time’ and being disappointed every time. It made me feel like a failure, as if I was broken and all I yearned for was to be normal and have babies like a normal person. Every time I heard of someone who was way too young or unfit to have children was pregnant it would make my blood boil with frustration and a little bit of anger. I felt less of a women for not being able to do the most natural and womanly thing in the world.
This doctor suggested we try artificial insemination and we were on board. We had horrible insurance at the time and were limited to what we could do. So this seemed like the best option. One month later after getting a positive on an ovulation test, we visited the doctor and began the process. I called him almost near closing time and he was more than willing to stay after hours with us to do this. The process didn’t take too long. We were sent home to wait.
Honestly I don’t remember how long it was until we were asked to come back so I can take a pregnancy test. We went back to the doctors office. As I waited in the living room there was another young couple who were obviously expecting. I smiled at them hoping this had worked. We were called in at the same time. Later I was called to the restroom to take a test. I prayed whatever the outcome that both my husband and I were emotionally ready for it. As I walked out with my urine sample I looked over to my husband and the nurse who seemed really excited about something. That excitement faded as they looked at my hands and said ‘It thats yours?’ and I said ‘yeah’ Thinking to myself ‘why would I be holding someone else urine sample’. I looked at my husband who seemed to have a weird look on his face. I could see the devastation but he was smiling. Of course my test came back negative.
Later I asked my husband why they were so excited when I came out of the bathroom. He was hesitant to tell me but I begged him to. He said the nurse tested a urine sample that was in the little window where I was supposed to drop it off and it came back positive so they thought it was mine. I was so heart broken when he told me this, not because of me but because I could not imagine the excitement he must have felt only to be disappointed a few minutes later. I couldn’t bear it. He however was being a champ for me and trying his best to comfort me and give me hope. He has always been one to look at the positive of things. I however lost it, I cried so much that day. I felt like I had failed, again.
Living with PCOS isn’t difficult because of any physical pain or the symptoms. It because of the emotional toll it has on us. Its like as if you have one of those switches that can control how bright the light dims. Its not an on and off switch. Some days you feel like the world is bright and you feel motivated and positive, then the next second you feel a little bummed out but not too much. Then you slowly start to drift into darkness. A darkness where you think about how bad you want something and for some reason you can’t have it. The most natural thing in the world. You see others get it when they don’t even want it or were even trying and it kills you a little inside. You do however learn to slowly bring the light back. Not alone but with the help of others.
We have to keep having positive thoughts and just pray and work towards building that dream family and life we want.
As of now we still don’t have children and we’ve been busy doing other things. Like buying a house, working, and trying to stabilize ourselves financially. Also I think now is a great time for my husband and I to nourish our love and marriage so when the time comes out team is unstoppable.
We do plan on trying again and I admit I need to take better care of myself to help my lower my symptoms and increase my chances of being fertile. I know the future is bright and the big guy upstairs has a great plan for us. Whatever and whomever is in it, I know it will be bright.
“Why worry? If you’ve done the very best you can, worrying won’t make it any better.” -Walt Disney