Love, Faith and Hope

Love, Faith and Hope

Hello again, just writing for whoever reads this and for me to go back and remind myself of these things I write. So as many of you may have seen from my last post its been quite a weird and unexpected month or so. I don’t know how or what I did to feel the way I do, some people might see it as strange or like I probably didn’t care about what was going on as much as I said I did. All I can say is that my testimony of our father in heaven and his has grown tremendously in the past month.

The two shorts week that I knew about my pregnancy were the most emotionally and mentally intense weeks I’ve experience in a really long time. Many changes happened not just with myself but around me. We had our in-laws move in, I found out I was pregnant, I got unexpected news from someone who is very important to me, and I also got an interview for a job I had applied for months ago and really really wanted but thought it had gone and passed.

So, having the early pregnancy symptoms and having all these things come in the same week, I kind of lost my marbles for a day or two. I thought my husband would get tired of my craziness after one day but he really stepped up to the plate and helped me keep my sanity. When I got the call about my job interview I was super excited but also super sad and concerned because I didn’t know what was going to happen with my pregnancy and whether or not Id be high risk and be able to work and do anything. (I was kind of paranoid.) After the interview I was even more stressed out because I found out it was a contracted position for ten months, so naturally I did the math in my head and thought to myself “I won’t be able to finish the ten months because ill have a baby by March.”

I contemplated telling my future employers about the pregnancy. (because I kind of new I’d get it because Im too legit to quit ;P….. jk….kind of.) Luckily I had a whole week to think about it….psych! I got a call the very next day and got a job offer and immediately said “Yes!” I didn’t even think about the pregnancy and was just super excited (especially because my husband was there too and was super psyched and we got psyched together.).

the week from the day I got the interview appointment to the day of my doctors appointment that would show our first child, I was low key sad that the two things I have been wanting most happened at once. I felt like each thing inconvenienced the other and told myself that id would all work out.

Well, long story short, turns out God, the universe, nature, whatever you wanna call it, works in mysterious ways (sometimes hard ways) and things happen for a reason.

If it wasn’t for this job, I don’t know where I would be mentally and emotionally right now. After having my miscarriage, I cried for like two days and then I prayed, my husband prayed, and my family prayed. Not all at once or on the same day, but throughout the whole process. I know without a doubt that those prayers were the reason I was able to feel heavenly fathers love and peace. I know that I was supposed to experience what I did, why? who knows. After I told the whole world about what happened I felt like a gazzilion pounds lifted off my shoulders. I had prayed to know whether doing that was a good idea or not, and even though in the moment I did not get a clear answer I was definitely sure about what I did afterwards.

I wish I could explain how I feel, but all I can say is I feel great! I feel so much love and peace in my heart. I feel secure that I have people here on earth who have my back and I feel even more sure of whatever trials I face because I have His love and trust and he has my back 24/7.

I am grateful for the gospel in my life, I am mega grateful for this amazing job opportunity that I know I will put my all into and I cannot wait to see where it takes me. I am also grateful that the Fall in getting here two months early because lord knows aint nobody got time for summer time ;P (all the stores have halloween stuff now and it makes my little purple and black heart so happy!)

I know that with faith, love and hope anything that comes your way, good, bad or horrible, will be 1000 times more great (for happy) and 1000000 times less painful when you try your best to look at it through a greater perspective and know we are just here to become better, stronger and the best version of ourselves that we possibly can.

“Happiness is a state of mind. It’s just according to the way you look at things.” -Walt Disney

To my friends and family

To my friends and family

Hello everyone. I write this with the intent that anyone and everyone who has experienced what I am about to tell you can know that they are not alone and understand no one ever thinks something like this would happen to them or someone they love, but things happened for reasons beyond our understanding. I also write for myself, because this is something that I know is meant to make me stronger and to remind myself that no matter what, if I can get through this then I can get through anything. And I write this for my family and close friends to know what’s going on and so they can hear it from me.

About three weeks ago my husband and I found out I was pregnant. This was our first pregnancy, after 5 years of a mixture of trying to conceive and not avoiding getting pregnant, it was truly something we had been waiting for. Eager to share the news my husband filmed a short video of himself revealing the positive pregnancy test and doing a little celebratory dance. We shared this video to our immediate family and recorded their reactions, needless to say everyone got emotional and was very excited. Despite all the excitement and good vibes, I was jus holding my breath for our first doctors visit which was the day after we told our family.

When we got to the doctors office my heart was going at 100000 beats per second. I was so nervous, and excited and terrified. When he started the ultra sound i held my breath, looked over the screen and as the doctor moved the little ultrasound wand around I waited for him to give me some sort of response. He just said there was nothing there yet, so I must be very early in my pregnancy. I felt unsatisfied with the response and the visit. They drew some blood and I waited anxiously over the weekend for them to call me back and confirm my pregnancy.

Monday came I receive a call while I was at the dentist and it was the greatest and scariest phone call. He confirmed that I was 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant so it was normal not to see anything in the ultrasound. I felt a little bu of relief but still scared because I knew nothing was 100%. He told me he wouldn’t see me for another two weeks.

These past two weeks have been the longest days of my entire life, I waited impatiently, anxiously and full of excitement and fear.

During the two weeks I had some light spotting, I reassured myself that it was ok and that as long as it wasn’t too much I didn’t need to worry. Regardless I did call my doctor after the third time it happened and he agreed to see me the next day.

My heart was full of hope and excitement that I would finally be able to see my baby on that monitor. I prepared an announcement video to send to my family member after the appointment. While my heart was jumping with joy and hope, my mind was trying it best to keep its cool and be realistic. So I was still holding my breath, deeper each second that went by.

Finally we go to see our baby, how much it’s grown. When we start the ultra sound, everyone in the room felt silent. My heart was beating faster than last time. We see “the sac…..but no baby.” as my doctor said those words, my heart dropped. “I don’t think this ones a good one, its going to be a miscarry.” he said. I really don’t know how to explain what I felt. I tried to keep my composure because I didn’t want to sob in front of the doctor and the nurse. I prayed so much that the lord would give me strength for whatever was to come and at that moment he did. the doctor told us that it was a 95% chance it was a miscarry and that he’s only seen one case in his 12 years where the pregnancy was delayed and the baby appears out of nowhere and they had a baby, but it was one time. My heart sank.

He offered to give me medicine to miscarry faster, I said no that id just wait for it to happen on it own. I left the office, feeling defeated, like I failed. What could I done differently? Will I be able to get pregnant again? Both this the doctor reassured that I had no control over it and that I could definitely do it again. But where does that leave me?

So as I write this, for my own self venting and to let my family and friends and the whole world know, I am just waiting. waiting for the the worst thing that could happen to me right now to happen. I woke up today feeling calm, knowing the lord and my father in heaven have my back. With every bathroom visit being full of anguish and looking expecting to see more and more blood. My last break had more than before, so in a sense its slowly happening.

I don’t know how to explain being pregnant, and knowing that its only going to last for a few more days, and one day I’m going to stop. Stop feeling all those symptoms that I do long to keep because its a reassurance that everything is fine, and as long as they are there, it’s fine.

I know there is a greater power out there that has a plan bigger than what our small minds could ever comprehend. I know that things are meant to shape us to be stronger and better in every way. I know that trials and tribulations aren’t sent without us being prepared to take them head on. Yes, I will cry hysterically for who knows how long. Yes, I will be filled with sorrow and a little bit of anger when I see a pregnant person or someone with their baby. And Yes, I will want to punch someone in the face or burst into tears whenever someone ask me “Why don’t you have kids yet?”

I know I will feel all these things for some time. I know that next time I get pregnant whether its soon or for another couple years, I will be filled with more anxiety than ever, but I will be more prepared.

I trust HIM, I love HIM and I know that this baby, even though I only carried it for a very minuscule time of its existence, it’s mine, forever.

I feel so blessed to have the people who have been so loving and supporting. Starting with my husband who through this short time has surprised me, has shown me that he’s ready to go through whatever obstacles may come. Im grateful for my parents an sisters who love me and show mw their support and faith. Im extra grateful for my best friend who’s words mean more to me than he can ever imagine and has given the perfect set of words that anyone could have given me during this time.

My fellow mothers, I know im not the only one. Ive met lots of moms who lost their first babies. I feel like its something that doesn’t have to be a secret, and it doesnt have to be something we don’t talk about. Ive waited years for this pregnancy, and it breaks my heart that its only lasted this long but im hopeful. I have lots and lots of faith that I’ll be ok. We are fighters, we were built to withstand this and more. Our bodies were chosen to be vulnerable to these kinds of heartaches and pains for a reason, because we’re freaking warriors. We underestimate our own self control and what we can handle, we don’t now until things are thrown at us. Trust that there will never be anything thrown at you that you can’t handle.

My good friend sent me this scripture quote:

Isaiah 40:31

“But they that wait upon the lord shall renew their strength: they shall mount up with wings as eagles: they shall run, and not be weary: and shall they walk, and not faint.”

I know the lords timing is perfect, I admit I am lingering a little bit to that 5% chance that it’ll be ok, but im 100% certain that whatever happens is the lords will and I trust him and I am not alone in this. There’s always lessons to be learned and hearts to be softened. I share this with all you guys, so you can know what’s going on in my life and to let you know that I’ll be ok.

I will give an update as soon as I either hear back from the doctor or its clear what the outcome is going to be. I love you all, even the strangers reading this. 🙂

This quote was sent to me yesterday by my BFF:

“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the lights.” -Professor Dumbledore

Bread Adventures!

Bread Adventures!

Hi guys! So I haven’t been exploring and experimenting in the kitchen in a while. So yesterday I took it upon myself to go in there and make some bread! To start off let me just tell you that making bread is probably the hardest thing EVER. And I don’t mean like sweet breads (donuts, cakes, cupcakes) I mean real soft on the inside, crunchy on the outside-bread.

Ive attempted this about two-three times… There was one bread that came out almost perfect but I didn’t write down the recipe!! =(

I was finally able to gather up my courage and try again. SO theres this savory bread they used to make at my husbands work (he works in a temple cafeteria and they serve bomb food, not enough staff and volunteers had caused them to discontinue this delicious bread.) and it was probably one of my favorite things there. It was like twisty bread (nice and big) mixed with black olives, tomato, onion, ham, bacon, and idk what the heck else. So I looked for a reggae bread recipe and looked in my fridge to see what ingredients I had and attempted to make a pull-apart savory bread.

Here are my results…….brace yourselves lol

I guess its not bad…. right? WRONG!

jk, it tasted pretty good but the bread didn’t even rise! So it was all yeasty in the middle and crunchy on the outside. *sigh*

Ill admit, Im very impatient when it comes to following recipes and letting bread rise so I try to look for recipes that either down require yeast or where I only need 20 min to let it rise. I did leave it out before adding the savory stuff but I guess I should have put the stuff first and then let it rise?

IDK

Anyway here’s the recipe I did…

Let me know if you have an easy bread recipe I could try!

I might just buy this book……

“Anyone can cook, but only the fearless can be great.”

– Chef Auguste Gusteau

Job hunt

Job hunt

Hi again, so I made it a goal that I’d post on here at least 3 times a week. So I guess yesterday was the first and today is the second. (when does the week start? Sunday? Monday? Saturday night?

Anywho, I feel good today after having a mental breakdown last night. I hadn’t felt that in a while and I let my frustrations about my own actions and productivity affect my judgment towards others who I want to see do the exact things I’m not doing. Being productive, doing something with their lives and feeling a sense of purpose.

Yesterday I had a long venting sesh with my husband and I let out everything I was feeling. I have been certain of what it was I needed to put my focus and efforts on and I was doing it, I was working a couple hours, then writing and working on my other book project and trying to figure out this whole blog thing and instagram thing. Taking advantage of the tech available to me. Still, Ive been told by one too many people that I should be doing more. (Not my husband, he’s pretty much the only one who’s critique I trust right now because he sees me everyday and knows how I spend my time and will definitely not hold back if theres something Im doing wrong or if I’m lagging it.) But I let that whole “I should just not do the things I feel I should be doing and do the things everyone else is telling me to do.” Not that theres anything wrong with getting a regular job with consistent hours and all that, trust me Ive been applying and going to interviews. Interviews that I I don’t usually hear back from because they’re jobs that don’t require a degree or some don’t require prior experience, and its a field I lack skills in which is administration. Still, we are going back to times when experience is worth more than a degree, which is great because we need competent people doing all the jobs. Either way, its a bummer when I know I should be applying to work in a school (because I have experience) but I’m over here trying to get some new skills by applying at these jobs.

Anyway, I had two interviews last month and I realized something…. I am horrible at interviews. I tend to keep it a little too real and personal when I should initially be more professional and not so raw. I know some might disagree, but from a employer point of view, I would want someone who is upfront but also knows how to switch from personal to professional attitude and I seriously need to work on that. I don’t know what it was about me that impresses my past employers but I gotta figure it out.

So the point of my story is that I still feel like my gut is telling me to make this whole online teaching thing work (oh yeah, btw Im an online English teacher heheheh) and continue applying to job opportunities I feel prompted to try and also continue working on my writing adventures. Idk why I get all worked up when I think about what others think or what the world and society expects from me. I do feel like I am doing what I can and I also feel like I shouldn’t just give up and go to what’s safe.

I do have an application in on a job I really would like to do and it goes hand in hand with what I studied and with some of my experience, so lets cross our fingers that I at least get an interview! Ill work on my interview skills for now.

What about you guys? How you guys doing? =)

Anyway….read this book

Handy Dandy Notebook

Handy Dandy Notebook

Hello again!! So as you may have noticed from my previous post, Im starting to try and be officially legit. =P

I know I seem like the type who’s all talk and no show, but that’s one thing I am trying not to be. Theres been a couple things I’ve been trying to be diligent in since last month to help me on my journey of becoming a better me and a more focus and successful me. Before I started doing these there was something I needed to be clear on, and that was ‘what the heck should I be doing while I wait to know what my next move is?’ and my answer was pretty clear: work towards it. Our next move is never something that just comes to you by sitting around meditating. It comes from you continuing to work, writing stuff down, reading books, listening to podcast and things that enhance our understanding of things and give us a boost towards our next step.

So the first thing I started doing was keeping a daily calendar/ budget journal.

In this notebook I write (everyday) my to-do list for the day, my weekly do to-list, and the things i need to get done by the end of the month. Also, its not really a “to-do” list its a daily/weekly/monthly goal journal.

So crafty huh? ;P


Everyday I write my daily schedule, it usually looks the same, I add random errands. Then I go back to the previous day and check off the things I actually got done and cross of and put a sad face on the things I didn’t. Even with things that I know I might Not have time to do or be able to do that day I put them down anyway as a reminder that its something that needs to happen and as motivation. I don’t give myself a super hard time for not finishing a daily goal because you know what?…. Im human. So don’t stress too much if you go a whole week without reading and whatever it is, but never stop putting it in your goals, because then you’ve just given up. The Two things I usually forget to do or don’t feel inspired to do at times is read and write, sooo it’s ok. Im writing right now =)

When I say read I have two specific things im reading the first is my scriptures and home study stuff and the second is any self development book that I own and haven’t read. This month Im reading The 47 Principals of Financial Finess by Chris Brady and Owen Woodward. Ive only read two books so far that have helped me beyond what I can even be grateful for and the next three are the current one I’m reading and I’ll into The and the Elephant and third will be How to Win Friends and Influence People.

The other thing I added to my journal was my monthly expenses and budgeting analysis. Ive heard and read time and time again that it takes a good 3-6 months to get the whole budgeting thing down and I believe it. First of all its super confusing at timeS because you think you got it down, but unless you have a nice chunk of passive income coming your way (passive income is money you make while not physically working, so like maybe you have a business that you don’t have to go to and its making money for you, thats passive income.) or you just inherited loads of money and don’t need to worry about. But when you have a set amount that comes in and need to budget yourself within those means then it gets a little tricky.

This comes easy to some people but for people like me I need to spend some time on it and work on getting a good, consistent and disciplined budget. so this is what I’m doing to try and figure out how much we spend a month (roughly) and that way I can see how much more income needs to come in or what we can do to spend less on something we may not need and be more disciplined. I know we have tried this before and we were doing pretty good. I grew up with some family and friends who Like to splurge a lot and have more than enough for their needs so whenever I couldn’t do something Id say its because there’s no money but it was because there was money but that money was for something else (discipline) and I admit there were times when there was no money because there really was NO money. So we are trying to figure our finances out.

What I do in my journal is I write our monthly bills, this is fixed bills that go through every month like rent, streaming services, internet, gym memberships, mortgage payment (we pay rent and a mortgage, luckily our home is rented so it pays for itself…still we’re at risk if they ever decide to leave before we sell.) From this stuff I know what we can get rid of if we ever have to, like our wifi, streaming subcriptions and gym memberships. Then I have budgeted expenses, this is our groceries, personal allowances and date money. I also add any trips we have planned (like this month we have a CA wedding trip coming up) and I budget how much we would spend on gas and food, as well as gifts.

Lastly (but the thing I pay first) is tithing. This is a personal expense for everyone and its mainly based on faith and belief that giving is an act of charity and fills us with a sense of abundance and makes us less attached to our money so we use it more consciously (not in a greedy way) but in an efficient way. (Greediness usually leads to over spending, from what I’ve seen.)

So this is my little thing I’m doing to help put things into perspective and give myself some organization. Im very excited to see what happens with both my journal stuff and my reading. You guys are invited to try this and see if maybe creating a daily goal journal will help you finally get started on those projects you’ve been wanting to do, or apply for that job, or try that new thing. I don’t know what it could be but we all have something we want and need to get done before the end of the year. So read and write to get your motor going!

“Today is a good day to try.” — Quasimodo (The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

Upgrade yourself

Upgrade yourself

So I’ve been working real hard.. ok kinda hard on my next self improvement book. As I write I take into account the things I might have done wrong in the last book. Hmm let me rephrase that, I think about the things I can do better in the next one (see what I did there? Self improvement needs positive wording 😉)

Even though my books can be read by anyone at any age it’s mainly targeted towards the younger generations. By younger I mean people born 1980 and after 😅 so those who are late thirties and under. Aka Gen. Y, Millenials and Gen. Z kids. Did I get that right? Anywho, with all the current events in the last five years I’ve noticed that a lot of my friends who I went to high school with are getting proposed to, married and having kids. It’s really amazing how these life events can have such a huge impact on us.

I also remember when I first got married and how totally u prepared I was and how I later realized, NO ONE is prepared for a life changing event like marriage or kids! So this was (as mentioned in a previous post) my motivation to write this book I’m working on. It’s been a bit of a weird experience. I have a burst if Inspiration and write a thousand paragraphs (jk like 5) and I go DAYS without writing. I never understood writers block until now. I thought I had it back in high school but when you are doing this for money and a source of income it gets a little more intense because the stuff you right better be worth the money people pay for.

Thanks to other books I’ve read and some other sources, I think my second attempt with probably go better. 🤞🏼

That’s the whole point of giving yourself and upgrade. The things you set yourself to do, no matter how many times, you need to continue doing them and each time you do it make it better than the last. Make it a goal to take yourself to the next level and see what happens. Be extra nice, giving, patient, profesional, funny, whatever it is and take note.

What are some things you’d you guys feel we don’t have enough info on or something you’d like to read to help you in any aspect of you life?

READ THESE!!




Restart

Restart

Hey guys, so….. I know my post are all mediocre and probably super boring to read but I appreciate you taking the time to read my nonsense.

I have been struggling a bit with keeping my media stuff up to date, I never thought Id set myself the goal of creating a blog that can eventually turn into something that may create some passive income (still no where close to that, I’ve only earned 38 cents since I started this in September, haha!) But I have also set the goal to consistently reboot whenever I feel like I’ve reached a low point.

For example, when I first moved out to Utah I started the blog and continued working on my book with the goal to publish it asap. After I published it I had to figure out ways to promote it with zero to little money. I got a little depressed and felt defeated, but I began using my social media platforms once in a while to remind my friends, family and followers that I published a book.

Recently I have felt like its about time I started making a decent fixed income to contribute to our expenses and to help fast forward paying off our debts and buy our next house debt free. I slowly started seeing more student sign up for my classes (oh yeah I started working for VIPkids) and on one of my visits with my friend I was super bored and went on indeed.com and applied to random jobs that seemed appealing. I had done this a bunch of times, so my attitude when I applied was more of a “eh whatevs”. Of course because he universe loves to laugh at us sometimes, I got a class back from one of the two places I had applied to the very next day. Im set for an interview on Friday and to be honest if I get it then great and ill see that as a sign that we will have a great need for that extra income sometime soon if not then Ill take it as I need to invest and make it goal to make this VIPkid gig a full time kind of thing.

If my working doesn’t make sense its because I have cartoons playing full blast next to me and its Lego Avengers so its pretty distracting. Anyways….. Having take two CA trips in less than three weeks has given me time to reevaluate where Im at and hit restart on some things, starting with what I’m doing to bring income to my home and going back to budgeting and working towards getting a nice savings habit going.

So in short I was feeling a little bleh and not very productive, but luckily we live in a great era with lots of resources at hand to help us learn little things that can make a big difference. My new goal for now (in addition to my older ones) is to create a real budget and I know it usually takes about three months to create a legit one. I also want to finish my second book and hopefully policy it by September.

What are your goals? What goals can you revisit?

“Admit defeat, and defeat will surely admit you into permanent custody.” — Beret Girl (An Extremely Goofy Movie)